So September is over but it doesn’t mean anything because there are still issues going on, for instance, the dumpster can still lingers in the backyard.
It’s been a month since they brought it and most of the stuff that were focus to be tossed has been tossed and some other things saved, like the books. The saga is reaching its end though and mainly September has been mostly a growing pains type of month for me.
The other half is an update to what’s going on with my dad’s small business, where right now it’s going through the process of bankruptcy. The reason so is because of all the troubles with the authority and walls that was brought up that really destroyed the flow of the business. Seeing how its very important that transportation is taken seriously, the company that lasted for more than 30 years, is now in ruins because of too many rules and costs to pass through those rules. One word I have in mind for that: Trolling.
So in this immense transition, so much internal intimate battles are going on too.
All throughout that month I went inwards and collided with my many different personas. Most of them are just programs I created in my life, a team of egos I had to face. Learning new spiritual concepts of life through many teachers, and even going through some physical and virtual trials and errors, but the one thing that got me were the actions I took to face them.
Self realization, or self awareness, happens at peak times when confronting my self-programs (egos) that the mind has manifested to help me conceptualize and react to life. It’s super tough seeing that so many of my programs were created without me being aware of it. You can still say I’m still going through this transformation, but September was much more aggressive in the sense of purging all the bad misconceptions that were tripping me up before.
There were times that this transformation was vivid and took insane control, in a random chat with my buddy Bethy, I just took the shoes of a Devil’s advocate and started asking super deep questions she couldn’t really answer. I felt extremely threaten and offensive. This was a destructive nature I had to go through and the ego just took the helm and was having its time to really take me on.
Later on, after 2 chapters of the book “the Power of now” by Eckhart Tolle (in spanish), it smacked me in the face on the things I was projecting. That then I realized it was the ego dying, struggling to stay alive within me. As I was reprogramming myself to be, the ego couldn’t do much anymore since knowledge echoed into reason and I was able to calm the beast.
I mean, this beast was everything you’ll see in a Final Fantasy end boss. Hatred, prejudice, and everything negative under the dark sun had come out of me when trying to face this thing. Of course this is the dumpster saga, as this is me facing my past, a la Cecil facing himself just before his father lifts his mind out and transforms him into a paladin by making him reprogram his brainwashed mind. Guilt, self deprecation, self-destructive nature projected as physical form via the mirror that calls his mind out of Cecil’s body to fight him! I then see this happen in real life as what I am facing the device that controls me and had me brainwashed all this time.
This doesn’t mean I’m gonna be a paladin. This means I’m gonna reform into a higher self to project into this realm. I know now that you are me and I am you. The experience comes from facing these demons with a guide because the mind becomes the enemy of self. I’m fortunate that a little bit of my divine consciousness was able to light through, and the added help of my dad’s wisdom as well. I wonder if any other without the basics would face the same beast – would be consumed into a negative state because that person just don’t know how to fight it. So all my life I had one thing always showing me that fear is insignificant. Again my father, as I am very fortunate, have taught me that fear is something that should be conquered and never let you submit to it. Never let fear take over you, but take control of it and turn it into a motivation to commit into action and face it!
My father’s wisdom is really deep and part I felt this year has been very tough for me seeing that the reminder on my birthday is that he won’t be there forever. So part of this year is facing that beast, something that only individually a person will take up when the time comes. I’m lucky that it came to me in my 30s, but I sometimes wish it was earlier and not so harsh like this year was. I will listen without the need of pain to experience and shouldn’t be. My only real dedication is making anything that would echo my internal expressions. Mainly I do is design and draw stuff to have and reflect on . Now I want to create video games in such an artful way that expresses my mind in a four dimensional manner.
So expect my game, Dark Zeta, to reflect my feelings from this current time into that reality I’m making for others to see. It is an abstract form that twists and turns and amplifies as you progress through my creation. In part why it’s taking so long to make is because I’m gaining and learning from my own evolution to put into the game. The list to do hasn’t change or I haven’t really added anything, just that each point I get to gets much more meaningful as I put my time into it. Like Level 6 and Level 7, where both are black and white from each other in contrast. One is subconscious and the other conscious. One is Ying and the other is Yang. This is the dynamic that is formulating while I develop Dark Zeta.
So in the end of September there are other new challenges that I face, such as financial troubles. So far there is an online business that is giving me results, but I’m now learning the pacing of how I’ll get the income from it, so that in itself is a transformation right now for me. In that I know I’ll be late for many bills to pay because I’m learning how the flow works with it. So by next month I know I’ll be on point again.
So far October is okay. I feel it’s going to get better.
– g –