My Worlds in this universe and Heart

I haven’t written anything a very long time, for good reason.

I went into hiatus because first, my freak’n blog is just a mess to update, 2nd, I just had no energy to write up anything since the last post was just bullshit from my imaginative romantic zone. I really didn’t know much of anything what had happen to the girl who I was talking to. I went into an anger possession mind set because I exaggerated what was pretty much nothing but imagination of the bad kind.

I simply needed to rant out my feelings previously about the girl I was talking to before. The fallout for sure was simply a simple page turn, and the storm as well all in the inside. I couldn’t comprehend the moment as I was simply wanted to show my work to her, but then I complicated things. So I went into deep space thinking mode, and neglected to say anything more on the matter and forget that I even had a blog.

I went on course to create GridXross and release it just before her birthday on the week of May 14. I was preparing a video to post here about it, but I was still so confused and enraged that I couldn’t really focus on even making the website for my game.

So I channeled that energy and went on a creative spree. All throughout May, June, and July I just went nuts making different prototypes and even updating my game GridXross: Dreams.  Simply utterly nuts on creatives that I completely spazed out of energy this month of August. So just when things were getting cleared up, the girl connects with me once more. We agreed to see each other and clear things up. It took about a week to make it happen but it happened. That was a mind blowing event for me, as I never was expecting to see her again. I remember she was highly strict about her rules, but it seems she simply wanted to thank me for the presents I sent her throughout the silent months.

Of course my anger subsided with that first call since April 25th, and everything felt like it returned to normal again. I was still on a mission though, and her return prompted me to take a break from working on any programming and simply go out and find computers to fix. In this time I took advantage to see a few movies and walk a lot.

Then finally when I saw her, everything was expressed like normal but not normal. She kissed me on the cheek, and we wondered around JP pond for a bit. She bought me breakfast, and then we broke out on why we have fallen out of contact. This is where I had to be clear, because since I remember it, things were still a bit hard to talk about. Jealousy surfaced as the subject matter, but we both knew it was bad from my part, as I gave in to negative feelings. I explained my side, and she explained hers. It felt as we amended things, but there was that one rule of hers though that had me still feel like I’m outside.

She made her point clear and used the meet up as a point of defining the unknown errors that had happen before. A closing chapter in a way, but feeling her presence again made me go back into my original feelings for her. She wasn’t just any girl, she was in my heart the one.  I really messed up, and the “let’s be friends” speech just made things more overwhelming for me. I knew that, from all my previous experiences, eventually we would drop out of radar because of my still reluctant heart to give her up as she was before.

From a moment of darkness, that’s why I erased the social app Tango from my phone (besides of it being possessed by something evil, more on that later). I had to let go of such feelings and center myself again. I never looked back and never snooped because I can’t trust myself doing so, on top of it hurting myself if I do.  So I simply just text her like how things were before and it feels better that way. There is no intrusion and the only thing I have to show my feelings is this blog, live, online, for the world to see without a wall. I’m not going to hide it, and she taught me to have no filter.

She is my world though, a fragment of my reality that I adore so much. She has the logic to root me back into focus. I have to confess too that she is opposite of many things that I like. The trouble here is that she is a seasoned warrior and has a high level of intelligence that basically drives me madly in love. Our connection is a spiritual one, where we talk about endlessly on how we feel about the world we live in and different concepts. Sharing information with her is so liberating as she shares her knowledge and makes me feel really important. A unique sensation she is, and I really feel I need her to be in my life, but the ball is on her side of the court and I can’t force anything. If she still feels the same way for me, then I’ll go ahead and work on plan Z, if she isn’t, I’ll go with the original plan X. She is the helium element I need to become the star.  I won’t rule out though, the mystery of life’s unexpected events, but in this juncture of my life I can only see my present in which she is. Again though, life finds a way.

As for my other creative worlds, they are all on pause as I am preparing a hybrid html5 app/website for my fellow Madink boston folks who commissioned me to create this awesome platform for them to sell their custom attires and other misc. 😀

But once I’m done with that, I’ll be working on my Gamemaker games that will be using Wifi-LAN play on mobiles and Ouya.

So for now, later.

About Gerardo Valerio

I'm Gerardo J Valerio, a freelancer in graphic design and currently a game designer. My aspirations are to have my creative works to be known throughout the interwebs. I'm right now venturing into independent game development and hopefully be successful at it. I'm also a crohn disease sufferer but advocate to find solutions against it. I live in Boston but my second home will always be San Francisco. I'm hopeful one day to return to the bay area and share my knowledge to enthusiastic folks who are curious about me. Also, my blog is the center piece of my expressions. I have always used it to communicate my feelings and artistry. Now more than ever before I will be posting new features and behind the scenes development of my quest to be a game designer. - g -
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