The Inferno of myself

Manic control

Oh man, how much rage I have.

Over-thinking really does a number to me, especially when coming back home. Something of like a magic force field in my office that turns me into an emotional drama king. Once I leave the house, as if no thought of what I was thinking ever passed my mind, I just stop and realize. I go into work mode, seriousness and no messing around mode becomes me away from the nest. Once my time is up at work, as I walk, my thoughts turn on about that one thing that just doesn’t want to leave me alone. It grinds, it burns, it activates my internal rage. My heart pumps faster and my mind just goes into a spin, like a washing machine. The possibilities of one fucking thing that loves to rip me away from everything else. This then generates my creative juices at home and I start wanting to create things to destroy them later. Project a digital painting to be able to simulate it in a game. I draw this out into small things, but sometimes the over-thinking locks me up into a state in where I just simply just have a blank stare for hours. It’s like I’m waiting to explode but transmute it into something beautiful.

reflection

The aforementioned things I said is basis of how I deal with my own internal fireworks. When someone really did me wrong, wasted my time, and faked their way into my heart – and I discover it so – I can’t do anything but rage silently into my work. I become vivid, like I really want to prove I am not weak, that I can really undertake my tasks. That I can finally get the ball rolling, as I don’t want to end up again in this situation.

I then stop, and listen to what everything is telling me. Like the movie, A Beautiful Mind, I see the signs around me direct me to every single emotion and thoughts that’s flying in my head – as if I had Augmented lens or something, and feel it through to make the best from the worse things. Mind you, I’m one lucky guy, the most fortunate fool on earth, that not that many negative things has ever happened crucially, but then the smallest details can get to me, this is where all myself has a defensive protective shield to cover it. It still buggy, but I tend to bounce 80% off from entering my mind. The rest goes through a transmutation of energy, a recycling of the negative to a positive yet it has to annoy me – thus I laugh about it or become blank. I have a nervous laugh too, but no one really can detect it – only those who have a shit ton of experience in social interactions can tell. I couldn’t even tell either until that person point it out to me. That’s what i need, someone to reflect me a real picture of myself – the opposite happens with so many who just guess it, but have no clue themselves.

I am - 04-07-15

Today, the over-thinking has lead me back to think of the events two weeks ago, making me largely feel anger. Like I was betrayed. Wasted so much time thinking of helping someone to get stabbed hard. I feel like someone really cause pain in me, in which such feels like from my crohns. Confused and angered by this person who lied to me, who tried to cover me in an illusion. My gut feeling never lets me down, I knew that person was simply bad news – my curiosity lead me to its mystery. Once uncovered, I just felt everything that I wished it to be was simply, once again, not real.

I’m mostly angered towards myself for not being stronger about this. I feel used and useless at the same time. I really wanted to believe in said person’s words, at least once since there was so much passion, but largely I should have cut it once I saw the first sign or even a direct read of it that was obvious. Everything else was simply fantasy that drifted me into believing in this person for such a while. So many things can be speculated now, but I know I was lied to. That was so low, and now I feel that anger and confusion. This person did say they were really bad, but I never imagined it to be at this scale that it would have affected me. Now I’m the scary one, but that was provoked by my defense mechanism, for sending letters and flowers. For being… Real. For showing my positive happy dancing self. To share my successful moments in pictures from work and to be me with such intensity that creeped that person out.

For one, I’m a romantic guy. The artist that lives within me is very intense. I take it to the limits when provoked. So this means if I have the power, I buy a whole garden of purple and red flowers. A ton of chocolate. Draw a portrait of the individual in a greek goddess way, and even create my own jewelry digitally to 3D print it and blow minds away. My heart has no limits, no bounds – when I need to make a statement. This is my defense mechanism. This is when I know I really believe in this feeling, when it manifests – and produces something profoundly awesome, even direct it towards anything that is common for that good old shock and awe positive reaction. This can be confused with obsession, but I’m in all my senses when I do express. In other words I love being extravagant, and for everything I do – I will be. This I know is my defence mechanism. Why? Because the people who hate and are negative at heart, will curse it. Like holy water splashed on a vampire, it will burn it. That’s my power, and I play it loud – to love, and to be myself.

I grew up with family and friends who visited often to my house. This person has no visitors coming through, very private. This is one of the signs that I should have stopped long ago. I’m also private, but I know the gestures of others who visit is only in good will, so when I had a rare opportunity to try – as well did my effort to reach the individual before. This was the catalyst of such bridge collapse. I hadn’t thought of it at all, since it is my second nature, culturally, to say hi on Sunday, as well have that chance to do so. Since I “know” this person for 4 years, why not? But nope, I was dismissed absolutely. The root of my anger and confusion is this.

So by it all, it was meant to be this way. Everything indicated it, even for last year, to dissolve. This phase of Ares, or in layman terms, this part of the year – is when change happens drastically in my life, and in many. Last year it was a financial negative as well as bad in my romantic aspects because of economics. Since I have known this person had already a legit plan, Since November, I knew it wasn’t possible to return to pre-april ’14 days. So like a bad itch, I subconsciously set a date – the day I passed my letter to said person in March 2014, this year, would be armageddon. Everything then became clear and thus I calculated every piece.  But a very long period of time had passed in silence since I talked to said person from February. I already knew it was the final hour of my friendship with this person. So I declared loudly, in all angles – email, slow mail, flowers, and even a attempt to visit, as well texts messages and even sound MMS. It was the big show off, like setting up 1,000 needles in all angles. Loud and clear. So you can see why I would look crazy. This is my smoking technique, in which I triggered something by applying psychological pressures. It’s all made up to find something. Like coal getting compressed to see if there is truly diamond abound, and there was. The truth came out. The bridge went down in flames.

Choose
As much as it is hurting me today, I had to see. I knew this friendship had its end once the line was crossed. You can’t go back on a promise. This was all bad when this person returned, thinking it was going to be different. Nothing changed because I didn’t have anytime to do so. Also, if I want to burry such thing and move on, I should’ve just deleted said person’s number and ignore the calls to begin with. My intention was simply to return after I was ready – and that meant years after, but said person called. It is something I should’ve done, and it will never be the same since the line has been crossed before. This is why it is a rule, to avoid the pain. It’s like going back in time, but not, to see the person through a looking glass and never to interact with said person – if so, you will only face everything negative about it because it is a crystallized illusion playing back your feelings only, and the other never really feeling anything to begin with. Everything they do, will only give nostalgia tools to chain you down. This is when I should have been an asshole, and ignore the call.

Why didn’t I ignore the call? Simple, I had a feeling I was going to learn a lesson here. In the past, there were many occasions that this person open my mind to new perspectives. The “let me fake it to see where I will go with this” mindset lead me to getting a job at a high school to teach kids how to do Animation and graphic designs. To obtain different knowledge about food, energy, spirituality, and self control. I am mindful about things, and I always gave my thanks to said person. This mystery individual now is truly much more mysterious, as I am so intrigued beyond to know. It seems this individual hides a real true dark side, that terrifies me to no end. The secrets I know from this person only leads me to believe there are really terrible things going on with her world, in which logically I feel why she ejected me from her life. Since her background taught her the value of reputation is greater than any man, she keeps herself chained in hell for it. The pillars of her character attributes that will never change are fundamentally destroying her – until one person can grab her just before she slips into the abyss. I thought I could, but it is true, I am not suited for that job, its mainly her to realize it on her own. Who she chooses to help her way from such dark place will only contribute to the real change, the one that has been postponed.

Again, the fates has bestow me great opportunity in this loss. Somehow destiny was dragging me away from her since the beginning. A great struggle was to even see her, because of her nature. All this time I thought it was me, but it is truly her problem. Being very controlling of her domain, she never trusted me. She largely cared the views of others, so very weak minded – so I thought. Actually no, very deceptive this person is.  This is for sure the very root of my anger, because why tell me so much yet nothing at all? I felt I was being lied to. Why guard so aggressively her place for so long? What type of people are going to harm her or me, if I’m around? Even in the beginning, this was apparent. Four years later and still the same attitude. Only once I was able to visit, but she knew nobody was going to be around. There was nothing really I learned from being there, because all of that could just be an illusion, a setup. A very well played show all of this was.

So my over-thinking engine rattles me to that tune. It makes me want to write a mystery, Murder She Wrote style.  But all of this will be resource material for whatever I will create in the future. Maybe an adventure game. It’s always good to use up experience into such things to make it shine. That’s how I transmute things. Creation is my therapeutic activity, also writing it loudly like this too. But mainly this person affected me to no end, beyond anything I have ever experience before. So much that I really miss that only unique connection, now lost in time. I just tell myself now that it was all but a dream.

later.

– g –

About Gerardo Valerio

I'm Gerardo J Valerio, a freelancer in graphic design and currently a game designer. My aspirations are to have my creative works to be known throughout the interwebs. I'm right now venturing into independent game development and hopefully be successful at it. I'm also a crohn disease sufferer but advocate to find solutions against it. I live in Boston but my second home will always be San Francisco. I'm hopeful one day to return to the bay area and share my knowledge to enthusiastic folks who are curious about me. Also, my blog is the center piece of my expressions. I have always used it to communicate my feelings and artistry. Now more than ever before I will be posting new features and behind the scenes development of my quest to be a game designer. - g -
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