I just say WOW to the beginning of this month because of the crazy stuff that just went my way with. That stuff is work, love, and not knowing what’s going on with my brother. I try to stay sane playing Mario Kart and Smash Bros, but hell those things don’t do shit if you’re already have the soreness after effects of an anxiety attack. The anxiety attacks only happen if I haven’t smoked for a while and the smallest thoughts of worry become unbearable to me when it happens. That’s why I should stop smoking, but work is pressuring me to go at it.

I don’t have my desktop computer anymore and all the stress of work is getting me sick. I had to take expired pills to calm the pain down but it seems the effects are faded. Anyways I’m running out of them pills, so I’ll be seeing soon the hospital. This will only hold me back more of from my goal of going to Cali though I will feel relief in going again to the hospital. The part I’m afraid of is paying the bills, because I have no money. I’m done, toasted and ready to be served to the judge. God damn crohns, why did you have to take over my fucking life.

I just have to be ready when I go in the hospital again. I noticed though, that I happen to go in every 2nd year. I first went in in 2004, then 2006 and now I’m threaten to go back to the hospital once more. I say is because all of those years were more done with the subject of love and friendship. I lost some friends the year before and a love interest, so the stress and anxiety slammed hard on me. It’s already a tough month for me, and I have to decided if I would go back to hospital again. They will take away 5 days from my normal schedule, and seeing how these two days were without internet to hold my sanity, I would definitely go insane.

The last time I saved myself from this was in 2001, where I was done and gone ready to head to the hospital, but then I left to california. I guess I have to go to california as an emergency. I can’t be here anymore, my whole self can’t hold together anymore. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I can’t stop thinking about that certain person. I can’t live without seeing her, but I can’t live knowing she is with someone else. In every angle I’m so done, just like Iron Man being refuged in a cave. So like Iron Man, I have to set a new plan in motion to save myself. I can’t live here anymore, and that’s a fact. Something in the air here doesn’t sit right with me but I can’t fall again or it will take another long time before I can go anywhere else.

But let’s see what happens, I’m not gonna stand here with my arm crossed anymore. I’m just thinking out loud so I can see my options clearly. I’m most definitely moving out, and not returning for a while but I have to make that break soon or I’ll be here for a bit while longer.

– g –