I have a feeling right now, that is of course bothering me.  Two good friends are going to have it a little difficult the next 4 months from now.  The thing that complicates this is that I’ve fallen for the young lady who is baring my good friend’s child. My focus here is her, the one baring my good friend’s child.  I expressed my feelings to her in an unconventional way, where I haven’t yet received any information on her thoughts about it.

The only thing now I’m expecting is a simple expression on her behalf.  Does she feel for me, or not? I don’t know, and this is killing me now.  I want her to tell me and to respond soon.  I don’t even know if she wants me to help her as well, to ride with her the rough waves that are coming this way.  I guess though is a complex battle that I shouldn’t have volunteered to step into, but I felt so compelled because of my heart calls for her.  So I’m now I’m in doubt and leaning towards being more uncaring, I guess.  Reason why is because I haven’t heard anything from her. The only thing I ask is affection.  Simple affection, that can make the whole event feel less bearing.

My promise though has conditions, these conditions simply is a streamline level of communication and affection.  What I mean about that is – to be open and let me know what is or not.  Is a simple check that I only ask for, nothing more.  If though my friend who I have feelings for doesn’t comply with those simple conditions, it will be hard for me to help.   Is because I can’t read her, and I’m just establishing a foundation.  Of course I do have feelings for her, and I confessed first so that she has the opportunity to ether embrace it or crush it before things get much more complicated.  It’s a test I compose to push away those who are simply there to just abuse my goodwill.  And many have abused my hospitality to the point that I don’t really trust until I do see affection and proof of heart.

This is simply that, and is a simple security measure to proceed to the next step.  For her I feel that she is a woman that can bear children.  She is a beautiful intelligent woman, but in case of her maturity level – still not all there.  That is why I’m willing to guide her, and give her the support that she needs.  I only say so for the reasons that she is fearful and yet to handle the situation responsibly.  I met other women who had gotten pregnant and had proceeded to do what they thought was the right choice.  One of them is Audria, who showed me that she wasn’t ready for a child, so she had an abortion.  Right now, she is doing fine, adventuring in her hometown in the wilderness of Montana!

Another Example is my Cousin Wendy, who had a still born.  She wanted the kid, but that couldn’t be, for it that it wasn’t her time yet for a second child.  The third example is a good friend of mine Vanessa from the academy of art who gave her child up for adoption.  She didn’t know what to do, and her family was against her.  So for her to be able to come back to school, she had chosen the most difficult choice.  I’ve seen mothers who after they have their child, they get so attached but realized that the responsibility is too much to bear alone.  I’ve seen mothers who actually courageously take on the task and succeed.

So a note to her, I believe in her.  This is why I have fallen for her, because she has the potential to becoming a hero.  She is my window of hope.

…. … …

Well, let us see what happens next.  I’m personally planning to end all of this complication in the next few days.  My heart will not take such abuse anymore, and by both my friends.  I want the best for them, and especially her.