. . . I felt like I cried a million tears. I’m crazy. How can I lie to myself this way. The fates really are rubbing off a real signal for me to focus on one thing and just that one thing only. I really never had a time like I have it now, but my past is crumbling. I’m in turn trying to hold down my past as much as I can. I feel my history shouldn’t be erased! Yet the essence of it is just fading away from me. One part of that is my beautiful best friend Melissa, who is my best friend who un-friend me currently from facebook for yet unknown reasons. She is my all-time friend who was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on. As well, I was there for her to listen to her woes and accomplishments. That’s just one of many elements of my history being ripped apart from me. I think the origin to all of this is my disrespect of myself. Faking my real emotions, taking advantage, and abusing opportunities. I really hate myself, and this is going to change right now.The first thing that will change is my posting online. I haven’t posted anything for such a long time, and is because I was afraid of my thoughts to be read by forces who can take advantage of me. If this is the cause, I am not afraid of it any longer. No more excuses – and when I get my instruments, is time to change this site up!  My history must be save, and its been so stressful the past YEAR!  I have to listen to my heart and stop ignoring reason.  Truth be told, the soul dies if you ignore the call to cure it with being real with oneself. I wasn’t, and I feel is time to step up and take control again.The second biggest change will be coming in 12 days from now, when I see my friends over in California. This I will NOT announce it here, it will be a shock, but it will be such a change that I hope in a positive way we all can fuse together. The big hint is that I will be focusing on school – only.  Organizing will be what the schedule will show, but because I will be breathing hard on 3 classes, I will have to unfortunately let go of something human to sacrifice my time for the first logical reason why I went to California – school.For the first time in a long while, I truly now have faith. I lost my way originally, but now I have restored my faith and my chairman up in the tower I believe. Everything in life is govern in a system, but my life has a plan. I look back to my operation and it was something so powerful to pull me away and make me think for a bit to know that there is ultimately a god. Where is this god? I don’t know, but now I feel much stronger in my faith in believing in the entity. Now you can say I’m crazy, because now I feel that there is a person that guides all living creatures. I feel god is there watching but knowing my set direction. I just wish why choices has to be so difficult to make the older you get.My choice in 12 days depends on my actions here right now. God knows what kind of entanglement I went down in to get such a backlash in my karma. I did so many negative things that I feel I really have to find redemption while choosing logically on my focus. Love sometimes have to be geared in the right direction. Since my heart has been broken so many times before, I still feel numb from it. Is like that part of me has been stuck in the past, but I need to move on.  I just hate seeing one of my best friends leave me.- g –