Yeah, I didn’t want to be here, but I didn’t want to kill myself. I just wanted to push a button and disappear….I think I hadn’t left the house for four or five months, and I was sitting in the closet, sleeping in the closet for some reason, and I was in a bad place, and I just remember I was thinking, ‘Oh, man, if I do this,’ [and] then I looked at my dog, Lowjack, and he made a sound, like a little almost human sound. I don’t have kids, the dogs became everything to me. The dog was looking at me going, ‘Who’s going to take care of me?’
—Mickey Rourke[54]

This is how I feel currently. Its been already a month since I was last working. So much has happen in march. And I feel like Rourke in this time of pain. I recently lost a good friendship with someone close. My nature drove her off. I was protecting her from the fiery subsurface that lies within. I’m a dude who will work on something, but you must be advised that sometimes with life, that something won’t happen for a while. Demand got to a breaking point, and I couldn’t deliver a promise that I can’t keep.

Mikey Rourke  had the same things happening. He stood up with following his path to a point where he couldn’t go much further. So things got really tough for him, and unfortunately, he ended up with nothing. The real motivators he had was his dogs. My motivator was the friendship I had with my friend.

I feel lost currently, so I came about a few conclusive points this week. Find another muse and friend who can push me without any promise or expectation. Get my things in boston together. Reinstate myself into the working class and grind for gold until I have enough to support myself and my projects.

My demand is fairly simple to get to. Just have to support my babies which are my online creations and such. That shit cost money. The biggest hedge to jump over is the student loans coming up next month. I can’t focus creatively if I have that pending. That can single handedly kick my projects to hell if I don’t approach it in a smart way. Hell I’ve seen folks who do have such debt push it off or even never pay it back. I don’t even know if I should risk my life to do that or even ignore it. There is no money for it now, and there is no money in the next 6 months time to pay not even the first month bill. So I don’t even know what to do.

Anyways, I put my project on hold again to find a solution to this problem. My depression doesn’t help but just slow me down so I’m flying back to boston effectively in 5 days from this post.

This is of course to find my motivation and somehow beat this.